Zee Prom

The actual prom was strange. That's the best word I can think of for it. It's funny, because by the next morning I was, shall we say, very comfortable with Peter (I mean that literal sense, not in the hanky-panky sense), but at the start of things I really wasn't.

The party bus was bizarre. We weren't allowed to drink anything, even water, while we were on it. It fortunately not a model that included a stripper pole, but terrible music was blasted, and it was so loud we could hardly talk at all, and the liqueur cabinet (which I think was actually just full of empty bottles and what looked very similar to the jugs of bleach we have at lab) kept swinging open, so Peter and I spent half of our time yelling at the cabinet door and the other half attempting to kick it shut. For some reason, this was considered fun. He also did that terribly awkward "Here I am yawning and oh, look, now my arm is around you!" thing. I leaned into him reflexively when he did, even while half of my brain was asking the other half why I was encouraging him when I'd already decided that he was boring (answer: I was cold. Also, it only just occurred to me that this was why he would not stop asking me if I was cold, despite my vehement denials. Would have been a better excuse than an awkward yawn. I feel somewhat pathetic for not realizing this sooner).

The eating bit was fine. The gang of however many of us there are got a table together, and we made cheerful conversation about things like someone's---it was Cammie or Kathrya---propensity for spilling drinks. Then music started, and there was dancing, and that was the point at which I got really uncomfortable.

I'm still not totally clear on why I felt so out of it. I think part of it was the sheer number of people around me, all of them darkened, and large, and just too much---I've never been good with crowds. And then there was Peter, who kept wanting to touch me---not anywhere inappropriate, mind, just my hands, and then my waist, but he's so much taller than me that all I could see was his chest, and his face was completely obscured, so I just kept swaying with the music, even as I wanted to shrink into nothingness and retract my sweaty palms and run off to somewhere, anywhere, just not right there right then. I danced because I didn't know what else to do, but it felt perfunctory even to me, this half motion, but he was moving less and I couldn't figure out why he kept resisting my attempts to stop (the touching, I know now. And now that I'm more comfortable with touching him I'd quite happily go back and run the whole thing again, but right then I was miserable). It's funny, because I understand what those sexual assault videos were saying, even as I recognize that I wasn't in a bad situation at all; even when I wanted to leave, even when all I wanted in the world was to be gone, I stayed there and I danced his dance, because he was big and it was dark and there were so many people and I didn't know how to explain that I desperately wanted to leave in a way that didn't make it sound like I desperately wanted to leave him, because I didn't. I like him, and I could remember that I didn't want him to think that I didn't want to be there, but it felt like I couldn't remember why.

I'm not sure this makes any sense at all. It's everywhere-writing, the stuff I got halfway decent at last year, but I'm not sure it works here. I just remember the everywhere emotion.

I still don't understand, though, why I got so scared. No, that's not right---I know why I got scared. I just can't for the life of me understand why I suddenly stopped.

I fell asleep on Peter during the ride home. He gave he his jacket so I wouldn't freeze, and Vincent was sitting across from me, who I hadn't seen since his strange visit to math team just to say goodbye to me. There were couples everywhere, and his girlfriend kept touching him and he kept looking at me, so I closed my eyes. I vaguely recall Peter tucking me into him and sliding closer, because he was warm, and then next thing I can remember was the bus arriving at Cammie's house and then getting annoyed with Yuma for photographing my sleep.

The actual prom was very, very strange.

Why I Have Not Posted

I can't decide what to write.

First, I figured I'd recount the math meet. But, other than, we did math and I was awesome and beat both Irving and Bryant, there wasn't much that was particularly exceptional. My prize was a little beat-up quiz game, and is vastly superior to Argon's Chartwell's poster.

I debated sharing the prostitution joke. Namely, that, upon my telling Owen that Dino was paying me twice what I asked for for his poster, Irving's immediate response was "you must have been really good, then." Yes, I have now been a victim of a prostitution joke related to Dino. As I said to Owen and Irving, I'd really have preferred that I didn't here that.

Although, the advice to pour water on Dino's head in order to short-circuit him was sound.

Speaking of which, I don't believe he's paid me back yet. A water bottle may be in order, although I doubt Señora would approve.

Dino's response, when I told him this as we walked up the stairs, was "Do I really sound that much like a robot?"

"Well, kind of, a little bit."

"Seriously?"

"Well, yeah, you kind of do."

"Wow. I was expecting you to say 'oh, no, Dino, not at all.'"

"This from the guy who is constantly cruel in the name of honesty, Mr. I-tell-it-like-it-is."

"I am not cruel."

"You kind of are."

"Am I really?"

I looked at him.

"Fine. Name one time I've been really, truly mean."

"You called Ali stupid."

"She's was being annoying!"

"She was extremely torn up about it. She's very sensitive."

"Ali? Sensitive?" He was utterly incredulous.

"Yes, sensitive. She was almost in tears later. She's insecure about her intelligence."

"I don't really think she's stupid."

"I know that, but she doesn't."

He shook his head. We walked in silence for a moment.

"Awful couple," he said.

"Sorry, what?"

"Awkward couple."

"Who?"

"Mercle and Charlene."

"Huh?"

"They just walked by."

"I didn't notice."

"They're a weird couple."

"Agreed. I can't imagine wanting to date Mercle."

"I can't believe anyone would date Charlene."

"Maybe that's why they're together. Neither of them can get anybody else."

"Maybe."

The irony of the two of us, both perpetually single because we've never bothered to try, critiquing people who's only difference is that they actually did, remained unsaid. After all, when one is trying to make oneself feel better about one's lonely state, it is advisable to point out the many flaws of relationships.

This is similar to both Owen's and Dino's prom related attitudes. They both have given the absolute same description I did for why they didn't want to go to counties- I don't like music, it's a lot of drunk people, I can't dance, etc. I know, however, that my issues were actually rooted in "who the hell will I go with" and general insecurity about the same topic, and I have a feeling that Dino and Owen think the same thing.

Caroline actually said to me later that Owen ought to just ask someone, even her, his cousin, because he's nice enough that it's unlikely someone would turn him down. I have a feeling that Dino's luck would not be as good, although one never knows.

Dino's other reason: since he can't drive, the transportation would be awkward, and he doesn't want to humiliate himself by letting his date drive.

I think that he was just making up stuff by that point, but to each his/her own.

The other reason I have not posted is that I haven't ridden a horse at a speed faster than a walk in ages.

Math Geeks and Prom

Because, of course, we need to be thinking about prom dates already. Although I was having perfectly reasonable conversation with Ginny, Tybalt, and Gretchen, the group in the back had other ideas. Owen couldn't figure out who to ask to senior prom, so Mario suggested that he ask a junior or sophomore- if you ask down, the girl is so excited to even be going that she'll enjoy it more. Because that worked so well for Mario, who barely talked to his senior prom date (he is, by the way, actually going to Counties with Rachel. This still pisses me off. A lot. I wish I could tag along a cackle gleefully over their awkwardness, because, as it is, I'll just be stuck trying to sleep and being accosted by horrible images of what they could be getting up to. HCl, HCl, HCl). They consensus was that Irving put out an advertisement on the morning show and request applications, two recommendations needed. This started because of some brief mention that Dino was in need of a fembot, as Irving and Owen had only just noticed that Dino talks like a robot, and they seem to find this the funniest thing in the whole world.

They were laughing as much as Kathrya did this morning when she said I wanted to see Mario without any pants on and I started throwing shirts at her, and she decided that meant I was proposing marriage and crumpled to the floor, dissolved into hysterics.

I told this to Gretchen, and her response was to look at me, confused. "You want to see him without PANTS on?!" "That's not the point," I responded.

Anyways, after the math meet, I was walking towards my truck with Melissa, Tybalt and Bryant.

"So, Tea," Melissa said. "If, hypothetically, Dino asked you to prom..."

"Hmm?"

"If, hypothetically, and I'm not saying he will, it's just that I'm supposed to find him a date and I think I need to start asking early, Dino asked you to prom, would you say yes?"

"Well....." I trailed off.

Tybalt and Bryant laughed.

"I mean, I don't have any big vendetta against him or anything, and I can't see any reason to turn him down, so I'd probably end up saying yes, but...don't make me your first choice, okay?"

"Sure. It's just, you're nice, so I thought you'd say yes."

"I need to get meaner."

"It's alright, I'll start looking for sophomores. I figure if I find someone now, I can introduce them and give them time to get to know each other before hand."

"I don't want to be mean to him, it's just that, well, if we went together, we'd just end up insulting each other the whole time."

"Awwww. It'd be like a love-hate relationship!"

I snorted incredulously. "Bye!" I called and then split off to go to my truck.

I think Tybalt or Bryant said "bye" back. Melissa definitely didn't.

School Spirit

This week is spirit week. On Monday I wore my pajamas. On Tuesday I wore a cowboy hat. It wasn't until after school today when I found out a few people were going to homecoming that I realized that there is a dance and a sport game associated with the weird clothes and pep rally.

Sighting

Now that OFM is over, I am going to have to continuously struggle to prevent myself from simply using this blog as a medium to record Mario sightings and the various short, pointless conversations that ensue.

In fabulous news, I made pit orchestra for Guys and Dolls! I'm so excited. I'm sharing the piano part with Harry (I'd apparently nicknamed him already. Who knew?). I'll have to talk with him to decide who gets to play what. Getting him to talk should be interesting to say the least. He isn't exactly gregarious. The whole "I'm now going to have to talk to this guy I don't know" situation reminds me of last year, when I first started taking the train with Mario and was regularly freaking out over how awkward it was.

Also, I've begun studying SAT words. My word for today is disparage, which means belittle. For instance, after hearing that Rachel was going to the dance with Mario, I made many disparaging comments about her, trying to make her seem less important.

My funny story is actually from a few days ago. Actually, I lied, it was only yesterday. I was walking with Avon and someone else (I think it was Red, but that doesn't really make sense, since she isn't in Spanish, so it may have actually been someone else, but I really think that it wasn't Julie or Gretchen, and I'm not sure who else I would have been walking with, since it was definitely a girl) after Spanish. We were headed towards the bridge. I had my weird Mario-is-nearby sensor go off a little bit, but I assumed it was a false positive (considering the fact that it hasn't been wrong yet, I should probably stop doing that). Then I realized that I had a physics test next period and was walking in the wrong direction. I did a 180 and headed back towards the stairs and lo and behold, Mario was actually behind me. We both said hi, I passed him, and then about a millisecond later, I ran head on into a senior girl who gave me a very dirty look.

Conclusions

Conclusions are my least favorite part of writing a paper. However, it doesn't mean I can't draw them over the whole Mario/Rachel incident, because continuing at this stress level would be detrimental to my health. I'd be like one of those type A people I generally try to hold myself back from becoming.

Anyways, I think Nyx put it best."it doesn't really matter whether she goes with him to counties or not. first off, you said you weren't even sure if you wanted to go anyway, and second, counties certainly does not define a relationship. you will have plenty of opportunities for mario-time in the future. so he's tied up for one day. there's heck of a lot of other days!"

Because really, when it comes down to it, the idea of large school dances freaks me out. That many people, and all the loud noise, and the sheer awkwardness of dancing in front of people I actually know... I mean, really, I should be glad that he's going with Rachel, because if I was going with him, I would be freaking the fuck out for an even longer period of time and at an even worse frequency than I am now, and really, at least he won't start dating her. At least, I hope not, because the mental image of that makes me want to retch. And cry. And then curl into a sad, lonely ball and surround myself with nice, comfortable pillows.

Plus, this way I can freely participate in anti-counties activities without beating myself up over being too chicken to ask Mario. For instance, spending an evening in my basement and playing stupid video games and talking about all the shit people in our grade are getting into at the time sounds like a lot of fun.

Please note that this doesn't mean that I don't want to hear any and all further developments on Mario's life (romantic or otherwise). After all, the crush isn't going anywhere, I'm just going to stop thinking about the crush in terms of some silly, pointless school dance. I will become one of those girls who lifts her nose and scorns those who go batshit crazy over the goddamned things.

Grumpiness

As you may have noticed, for the past, erm, 13 days, I have been studiously avoiding writing about a certain someone. As you may also have noticed, I have been largely unsuccessful, and have decided to mark PFM (or whatever we've been calling it) as a total flop.

Now, many of you may also have heard of Counties, which is a girl-ask-guy dance that takes place in- say it with me- January. Not October. Not November. Not even December. January. However, for some strange reason that is mostly unknown to me, the girls of our grade have decided to start asking people. Within of a week of starting school, it was suggested by three different people that I should ask Mario. I decided that there was no way in hell that I was going to do anything in September.

Certain other people, however, decided that they would. This is the crux of my post: as of right now, Mario is set to go to counties with Rachel.

Rachel. Rachel. Seriously, Mario, what the hell?

I spent most of the afternoon freaking out over that question. It was only recently (right now) when I received a news update from Kathrya (courtesy of Krystal, the elevator-taking gossip fiend in my English class), who says that Rachel asked him in front of a large crowd, and he doesn't actually want to go with her, and Krystal was planning on telling Mario to tell Rachel that he has a girlfriend who goes to another school, but I have a feeling that he won't, and that he just didn't want to hurt her feelings, and it's all like a twisted death spiral of awful doominess.

Ahem. Anyways, the idea of Mario and Rachel has left me severely grumpy for most of the afternoon. Operation Forget Mario has been rendered void due to severe jealousy on my part. Pity, that.

The Mummy

which I just watched, is a very good movie. Bit scary, though. I'm clearly not cut out for the horror genre. I was rather fond of Evie, though. It's always nice to see one of those action movies where the damsel in distress actually makes an effort.

Now, to go off on a tangent, I've recently noticed that boys grapple with their own insecurities. While we worry over Counties, they have their own fear.

Phil: So, last month I started doing EMT stuff, (I think he said EMT stuff, but it might have been something else, since EMT has absolutely no relevance to the rest of the conversation, although he does have a tendency to bring it up all the freeking time)

Richard: Uh-huh.

Phil: and anyways, the first day I go in, there's this big guy.

Richard: big?

Phil: Yeah, you know, like, big (he spread his arms in a wide gesture indicating weight)

Richard: Okay.

Phil: And he's like, I can lift you. I can lift more than you- two hundred pounds.

Richard: Wow. That's a lot.

Phil: I know, right? And then he's like, oh, how much can you lift, and I'm like twenty (as he said twenty, his voice went all squeaky and high)

Richard: Haha. That's why I hate fitness center.

Phil: Yeah, I can't lift, like, anything. It's so embarrassing.

Gooogle

I have received my first hit from a search engine, by someone using the term "webdings pencil." I feel so cool, as well as well integrated into the fabric of the web.

In other news, my grandparents are visiting at the moment, so whenever we go on the boat, we can't go faster than like ten mph, which is really boring. We did manage to get ice cream anyways though. When we were going into the harbor in the boat, four boys who looked like underclassmen in high school were jumping off of a boat dock into the water, and they waved at us. On the way out of the harbor afterwards, we pulled over to their boat house and asked if we could jump off of it. They looked ready to say yes, but their Mom yelled "No!" so we didn't get to. It was really quite tragic.

Also, we went back to the blueberry farm today, and I noticed that cute-guy-who-works-at-farm (who did not smile at me this time) has about a zillion ways of telling people to move down the row they're picking, from shimmy on down to shake on down. It begins to sound like some strange new form of dance.

Stuck

Today, my sisters and I were sitting around and playing crazy eights when we looked out the window.

First, we saw some ducks. We then made a Duck Song, which goes something like this:

I am a duck

*quack quack*

I can swim fast

*quack quack*

I am a duck

*quack quack*

quack quack quack quack quack.

This is accompanied by Genie doing a dance with lots of extra shimmying.

Then, we went back to crazy eights. Shelby was down to her fourth hand, and I was still on my first. We looked out the window again, and there was a stranded person on a hobey cat, paddling along. First we argued about his age (we're going a bit stir crazy, and Shelby in particular is missing the boyz) and eventually decided he was around Genie's, then we decided to find Dad to ask him if he'd offer the boy a tow. Then we went down to the dock (where Dad had actually been the entire time) and Genie yelled over to him, "Are you stuck?"

"I'm good," he called back.

So he didn't get a tow. Then we heard noises on the other side of our dock, and looked over. The neighbors were playing on the next raft over from their house. These neighbors have three boys, but I have yet to actually meet any of them.

Report to come.

Grease

Today, I went to our high school and painted sets for Grease. We were painting in the blackbox, right near the rehearsal space, and, right behind me, Danny and Sandy (played by emily) were rehearsing the scene in the drive-in. This scene basically consists of Danny trying to get into Sandy's pants.

First there were kissing noises, which made me chuckle a bit, then the director started telling them to do things (wait a minute for the hand. Good. Okay, Emily, keep doing what you're doing, Danny, you want it more. Show a little more passion.) Then, they eventually started talking. (just because you gave me your ring doesn't mean we're going to go all the way!) and making random exclamations of pain (Danny, you're hurting me! was said with absolutely no provocation. The director immediately decided to cut it. Danny's response was 'at least it'll be a bit less rape-y)

This was after yesterday, when their dance included "crawling with pelvic thrusting" and some faintly disturbing shimmying from Danny on "it's electrifying!"

Also faintly disturbing is the hamburger man, who we've been painting for the past two days, that will descend from the sky for the diner scenes. He definitely isn't mentally stable.

100!

This is my hundredth blog post. To commemorate, I thought I'd share some highlights of the past 100 posts.

In February, I had my first emo-ish introspective semi-rant. As far as I know, nobody bothered to read it, because, at that point, I had no readers.

Until.....Catering, written a few days after my 16th birthday, when Vicky first became a regular reader, at the time, my only reader. My birthday also marked when I began posting daily. Soon thereafter, I got my permit and began terrorizing the roads. I was also terrorized by high schoolers who lacked physical contact boundaries.

Then, in May, two important events occurred. Firstly, Mario became a regular character, and Nyx and Gretchen joined the club, with Gretch even starting her own blog. I also shared both dirty jokes and nerdy jokes. We also discovered both the Debrahs and the Jillians of cyberspace. We also learned about tampons and my subconscious.

It has been, to say the least, a very eventful 100 posts.

NOW, just for kicks, I looked up 100 random questions. I'm going to post the questions here, then answer them in a comment.

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?

3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing?

4. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

5. Without looking, guess what time it is

6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?

7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

9. Did you dream last night?

10. Do you remember your dreams?

11. When did you last laugh?

12. Do you remember why / at what?

13. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

14. Seen anything weird lately?

15. What do you think of this quiz?

16. What is the last film you saw?

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

19. Tell me something about you that most people don't know.

20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

21. Do you like to dance?

22. Would you ever consider living abroad?

23. Does your name make any interesting anagrams?

24. Who made the last incoming call on your phone?

25. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?

26. Last time you swam in a pool?

27. Type of music you like most?

28. Type of music you dislike most?

29. Are you listening to music right now?

30. What color is your bedroom carpet?

31. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?

32. What was the last thing you bought?

33. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike?

34. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?

35. Do you have a garden?

36. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?

37. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

38. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?

39. Who sent the last text message you received?

40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

41. What time is bed time?

42. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?

43. How many tattoos do you have?

44. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one?

45. What did you do for your last birthday?

46. Do you carry a donor card?

47. Who was the last person you ate dinner with?

48. Is the glass half empty or half full?

49. What's the farthest-away place you've been?

50. When's the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?

51. Have you ever won a trophy?

52. Are you a good cook?

53. Do you know how to pump your own gas?

54. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?

55. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school?

56. Do you touch-type?

57. What's under your bed?

58. Do you believe in love at first sight?

59. Think fast, what do you like right now?

60. Where were you on Valentine's day?

61. What time do you get up?

62. What was the name of your first pet?

63. Who is the second to last person to call you?

64. Is there anything going on this weekend?

65. How are you feeling right now?

66. What do you think about the most?

67. What time do you get up in the morning?

68. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people?

69. Who would you tell first?

70. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema?

71. Do you sing in the shower?

72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?

73. What do you do most when you are bored?

74. What do you do for a living?

75. Do you love your job?

76. What did you want to be when you grew up?

77. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be?

78. Which came first the chicken or the egg?

79. How many keys on your key ring?

80. Where would you retire to?

81. What kind of car do you drive?

82. What are your best physical features?

83. What are your best characteristics?

84. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?

85. What kind of books do you like to read?

86. Where would you want to retire to?

87. What is your favorite time of the day?

88. Where did you grow up?

89. How far away from your birthplace do you live now?

90. What are you reading now?

91. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

92. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

93. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?

94. Do you have pets?

95. How many rings before you answer the phone?

96. What is your best childhood memory?

97. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life?

98. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share?

99. What is most important in life?

100. What Inspires You?

Feel free to participate.

Him

I think I saw Him at the beach today.

Funny, isn't it, that I still think of Him with capital letters. That stupid douchebag who has barely even spoken to me since eighth grade still manages to send me into full on panic mode. I've blocked out most memories of him, but I still remember my eighth grade gym teacher forcing me to help him with his rock climbing harness, and him using his usual awful innuendos that seemed to never cease, and me mostly just wanting to cry, and that dumb bitch (I don't use that insult lightly) saying, "if you show him your tits, he'll go away."

It probably wasn't him anyways. He probably wouldn't have been at the house of another guy from our grade. He probably wouldn't be doing some strange provocative salsa dance to the music blaring from the house. He probably wasn't looking at me with that sick gaze that makes me afraid. I didn't have my glasses on, after all, so it probably wasn't him, but I still wanted to run away crying.

I almost wish that he had actually tried something at one point, simply because then I'd have a good reason for hating him, instead of this irrational fear and hatred.

Sorry for the anger, Vicky, my wonderful reader, but I really just wanted to send out a "fuck you" to Mike.