April 21, 2011

Return


I've been gone for a while, to say the least. The main reason for this was that I felt I'd outgrown the semioverachiever label. I was feeling like I was past whatever impulse drove me to start the blog. I'd also gone somewhat public, which was disconcerting (kind of gets in the way of rambling, emotional, boy-related posts). There was also the matter of the name itself.

Right now, I don't feel like a semioverachiever. I feel like an overachiever. I don't sleep enough, I'm busy, and I keep winning things and getting into colleges. I found that magic formula, got in everywhere I applied, and then got accepted to a gap year program every bit as prestigious. I keep winning at life, and I've started to feel like I'm actually powerful, like I could actually change the world, like I could actually make a difference right here right now.

I've lost sight of who I am. I don't mean that I'm supposed to be less of a beast, but I've been letting it get to my head. There are so, so many things I haven't learned yet. So, yes, I've managed to be the perfect applicant, and yes, I was told by a girl who is smart enough that people's jaws drop when they hear of her accomplishments that I "ooze brilliance," and people are impressed by my vision and insight and all that bullcrap--but I don't know how to right a rigorous proof, or maximize output from a wind farm, or build the designs that sit in my head. I don't know even basic statistics. There are huge, huge holes in my knowledge.

I need a college education to fill those holes. Sorry, Mr. Thiel, but I'm not ready. I'll take those two years after college, before grad school. They won't be with you, they won't have that safety net, but you know what? This won't be the only opportunity. I'm going to go to college with some of the smartest students in the world. I will come out of it feeling like an idiot--which is the point--but I will make opportunities.

I may not be ready to be a grownup, but I am ready to make this decision.

That was a digression, to say the least. I'd intended to discuss why I was coming back. The reason I'd stopped writing is that I felt I'd outgrown the label. But I haven't, not really. Yes, I'm 18, but I'm not an adult. Yes, I apparently win a lot of stuff, but there are a lot of things I don't win, and there's a lot that I have still to learn. I haven't become an overachiever just because I've been busy. I'm still just me, and I still care more about my friends than I do about being top of my class.

I can overachieve later. For now, I will return to attempting to be myself, whatever that entails.

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