Cookies

This is written during my ASR final. It took me an hour, because Boris kept distracting me.
Stupid Boris.

I walked down the hallway, giggling to myself. As I entered the cafeteria, who did I see but Mario, sitting at a table in the freshman section, eating an omelet, friend who thinks he’s gangster in tow (I have got to come up with a nickname for that kid).
He waved, and I waved. I debated walking past and leaving it at that, but I decided I should at least talk to him. I walked over. “Hi, Mario.”
“Hey.”
“This is going to sound kind of weird, but your portfolio has typos.”
“What?”
“Well, I was reading your portfolio, because you had totally stolen my topic.”
“You did physics?”
“No, science, actually. Well, science classes.”
“Okay. You read mine? Did you like the jokes?”
“Yeah, they were funny. Actually, on mine, I only have one joke, but I put in something saying, oh, at least I only have one joke instead of a whole page.”
“Yours has jokes, too?”
“Only one.”
“So where was this typo? Was it in the first section? The second? Wait- was it in the jokes?”
“Well, um…”
He looked at me.
“Well, we found some reflection thing, and, well, we spent most of the time going ‘haha, Mario said “breasts”’”
Gangsta boy snickered, and Mario looked at him. “That does sound like something I would say, doesn’t it.” He turned to me. “The one with the really long title?”
“Long enough that I couldn’t understand it.”
“Well, I only really wrote one reflection. What did you think of it?”
“It was, um, interesting…”
“Interesting?”
“I was busy laughing at the word use.”
“So what were these typos?”
“Well, I caught three of them.”
“Were they noticeable?”
“It was the first word.”
“Really?” He leaned over to the trash can and tossed his plate and the remainder of his omellete.
“Yeah, you said I when you meant it.”
“Oh no. And Opmin has probably already read it.”
“Vicky said that she hadn’t.”
“Good- wait. When was this?”
“This morning.”
“Yes! You said there were more.”
“Yeah, the one I said before, then one where you put women and beautiful in the wrong order, and one more. I can’t remember the last one though.”
“Alright. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. I should probably get to science.”
“Yeah.”
We paused for a second.
“Did you finish your paper yet?” he said.
“What paper? There’s a paper?” Did I miss something for U.S.? AAAAhhhhhh!
“The ASR paper.”
“Oh, yeah, I finished it a while ago.”
“You did.”
“Yeah, Breese had us write them a while ago, back in, like, April.”
“That’s lucky. Mine’s not done.”
“I suppose, but I switched my topic in, like, April, so it was kind of a pain.”
Mario shrugged.
We paused another moment.
“Oh, do you want a cookie?” I asked.
He turned to gangsta friend. “You want a cookie?”
Gangsta boy shrugged. “Nah.”
Mario considered it for a moment. “I can’t pass up a cookie,” he said, and stood.
I laughed and pulled them out of my bag. “Here. They’re chocolate chip.”
“Thanks. They look good.”
“I made them myself. Also, I really need to go to science now.
“See you later,” we both said, at exactly the same time.
I left, carrying my cookies. As I reached the end of the ramp, I saw Carly, from my math class. “Do you want a cookie?”
“Okay.”
Then, I saw my grandmother. “Cookie? I keep giving them to people, and I think I’m going to run out soon.”
“Well, you can’t ignore your grandmother.”
I kept walking, and then I saw Ginny. “Ginny! Cookie?”
“Thanks. What do you have.”
“ASR. Walk with me?”
“Sure. These are good.”
“Thank you. I even added the right amount of flour this time.”
“Good job. Do you normally not?”
“Well, last time I only added a cup, and they were kind of flat. Oh, I am going to be so late to science. I was talking to Mario, and I go sidetracked, which I, erm, tend to do…”
“Haha.”
Then, I saw Nyx and Avon. “Hi! Nyx! You know how yesterday I was talking to Vicky about Mario, and we were all, omg! Typos!”
“Yeah…”
“I told Mario!”
“You did not.”
“I did!”
“You’ll have to tell me more later.”
“Okay. Bye!”

Punchline

A brief English class transcript

Tea: Richard! You were in my dream this weekend!

Richard: I was?

Tea: Yeah, you were trying to kill me.

Richard: Oh. Well, dreams do come true sometimes.

Tea: *Laughs awkwardly.*

Richard: *walks away*

Tybalt (Bryant's twin): Ow!

Tea: Hahaha! Gemma, look, Dino hit Tybalt in the head with a book!

Tybalt: What was that for?

Dino: I missed

Tea: That was definitely an untethered projectile

Gemma: Haha, what?

Tea: ASR joke. There is no one from ASR in this class, so it wasn't really funny...

Gemma: Oh.

Mrs. Leon: Okay, we have cows, but they aren't our cows.

Tybalt: I told Dino that, but he didn't listen.

Dino (with computer on desk): Heh.

Caroline: Can I have a cow now?

Vampires and Zombies and Spaceships, oh my!

This is another dream, courtesy of Tea's twisted subconscious. Enjoy.

My sisters (Genie and Shelby) and Mario and Nyx and I started in this dark graveyard at night, using our magic powers to keep someone else from reaching the gravestone we are guarding. The graveyard itself was a cross between the one in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Goblet of Fire, so I suppose, in that context, these actions made sense.

Everyone else had normal magic powers, spell flinging and whatnot. I was a good vampire, and the vampires in this dream didn't drink blood; instead, when they were killed, they became a spirit that had to take over a dead body or a doll. Dead bodies could be possessed indefinitely, but dolls must be replaced after only a few days or hours, proportional to their size. So, when a spell was about to hit Shelby, I jumped in front of her, taking the hit. I dissolved, leaving behind a rotting corpse.

The others, unable to fight them off without me, went home. I followed them, trying to find a new body. I got back to my room and try to find a suitable replacement. I considered my Spring Pearl doll, but she was rather tiny and won't last for long, so I decided to use one of Genie's porcelain dolls instead. Even so, I would need a new corpse soon. While I was floating, I found my Spanish textbook and workbook, which had been missing.

I found Dad and Shelby on the front lawn of the house. There was a fairly large crowd assembled, angry about the vampires. I heard Shelby say something about Mario, and I panicked that she was telling everybody that I liked him, so I made Dad shut her up. However, I didn't want to tell an angry crowd that I was a vampire, so I went looking for Mario.

I needed to ask him to go back to the graveyard and find my a dead body, but by they time I found him, he was already in the mudroom, preparing to leave. Abruptly, I hugged him, because I was happy that he was going to find me a body, and because, in dreamworld, I was into him too. He was surprised for a second, but hugged me back. I gave him a look that attempted to communicate "I like you. Please don't die." He squeezed me and said, "I don't know," before letting go, although I don't know if he was referencing the liking or the dying.

I passed Dora on my way back to my bedroom. "I don't think I like these vampires," she informed me.

In my room, Nyx and my sisters were sitting around. I tried to tell Nyx about hugging Mario, but then I realized that my sisters were listening, and considering Shelby had been talking about it ten minutes before, I didn't want to give her more ammunition. Nyx told be that she hadn't slept for two days and needed a nap. I had been dead that morning, so sleep wasn't really that big of a deal, but I figured a nap couldn't hurt, so Nyx, Genie and I squeezed into my teeny tiny bed and went to sleep. Shelby was supposed to keep watch, but she soon dozed off as well.

That was when the villain chose to strike. I woke up to see Richard (the boy in Nyx's lab group with the twin cousins who harass Gretchen) standing in the doorway. He looked pretty much like Richard always does, only something about him appeared vaguely evil. I rushed towards him, trying to fight min off, but he glided right past me. I tried to take over his mind (which vampires can do to each other) but I'd never been very good at.

"Look at her, trying to attack me. Ha!" he said, and pushed back, making me into his automaton. He then made me stand still as he hit me with a spell, killing me again. The porcelain doll fell to the closet floor, cracked and dirtied, as my spirit dissipated.

Dad then came in, and Richard informed him that they will be spared and I returned if they'll do Richard a few small favors. Dad agreed, on the condition that he got me back right away, and Richard informs me that there are a few dead bodies out on the front lawn for exactly that purpose.

Richard wanted us to steal three electrophorysis trays from my church. When we got there, they were in the middle of Bridging ceremony, but it was the weirdest church event I'd ever seen. A girl wearing a buttload of makeup was standing in the front, wiping it off, layer by layer, using little round handiwipes. We decided to get the trays by pretending we were supposed to be fixing them, so my sisters and I walked up to the front and took them.

However, just as I was walking back, the woman holding the handiwipes intercepted me. "Hold these," she said, and I passed the machine to Genie and accepted the wipes. I went to put them between my knees for better holding purposes, only to realize abruptly that I was naked, and I then proceeded to pass out.

The next thing I knew, I was clothed and on a spaceship with a tall, thirty-something black guy wearing what was, for all intents and purposes, Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

"We have to complete a quest," he told me.

"What?"

"A quest to increase your powers. The quest of the moonfrogs."

"I was thoroughly confused, but there wasn't really much I could do about it. We came to the moon, which was shaped like one of Mars's moons, but with a hole drilled through the middle. On the outside, there were winds and floating moondust, and I became worried that they'd put me out there. Even if I couldn't die, it looked rather cold.

Instead, we flew inside the hole. We passed through a weird field, and, suddenly, I was in a store with Dad, Genie, and Shelby. We had to put the correct items into our cart in the correct order, without running out of time. I got into a fight with Genie over whether to pick cheerios or rice krispies, and then I woke up.

Anyone who can interpret this wins a gold star.

Tampons

Awkward conversation with my 12 year old sister, Shelby. Be prepared for graphic discussion of female anatomy.

S:Tea?

T:Yes?

S: I'm trying to use a tampon

T: okay...

S: I'm having trouble.

T: You just take the tampon and stick it up there. It's not that hard.

S: Yes it is! I can't find the up there!

T: What?

S: I can't find the hole!

T: Urgh. I was trying to read Questionable Content.

S: Sorry.

T: No, it's fine. I'll draw you a picture.

*tea grabs paper and pen*

T: You know where your vagina is, right.

S: Uhhh.....down there?

T: *sigh* Where does the blood come out?

S: In between the foldy things?

T: Gaaaahhh.

*draws picture of two squiggly things with some holes in between them*

T: Okay. Those are the labia.

S: They look like snakes.

T: Psh. Okay, that's the clit.

S: Ummm.

T: You don't know what that is. I suppose you'll learn eventually.

S: Okay.....

T: look, that ones where the pee comes out. That's the vagina.

S: Wait- the pee doesn't come out on the bottom?

T: No, it does not.

S: Really? Cause I always thought that-

T: No, it doesn't.

S: I still don't understand how I'm supposed to fit a tampon up there.

T: It fits, alright?

S: But it's so small.

T: When you have a baby, it reaches 10 centimeters.

S: what?

T: this big.

S: EEEEWWWWWW

T: How else are you supposed to get a baby out? Honestly.

S: What about penises. How do people have sex?

T: (thinks: why am I the one teaching my little sister about sex. Shouldn't my mother be doing this? or her health teacher? or the internet, even, just something other than me?) says: When you're going to have sex, you make lubricant.

S: What's lubricant?

T: Slimy stuff.

S: Oh. How does that help?

T: I don't know, it just does. Do you think you can find your vagina on your own now?

S: Probably?

T: Good.

10 minutes later...

T: Shelby, you alright?

S: Yeah. It feels funny.

T: But you found it?

S: Yeah. It still feels weird though.

T: You'll get used to it.

*end conversation*

Well, at least I probably will not have to do that again until I have my own children.

Thank god.

Star Trek

Which I am seeing with Nyx, Vicky, Dora, Tierra, and possibly Ginny as well. We'll see. I am looking forward to it immensely. Hopefully I can stop hacking for long enough to actually watch a movie. Stupid mild allergies.

I was going to add another English essay, but I discovered that the next one on my hit list had already been added here. Early March seems so ridiculously far away. I didn't even have readers then. How utterly absurd.

Ah, well. Have a couple of cartoons from xkcd.com to cheer you up.

Royal Flush

Last time I played poker, I kicked ass. However, we were playing for checkers, so I didn't win any money. Goddamnit.

Speaking of Royal Flushes, though, I couldn't find any notecards today, and I didn't want to do something immediately productive, so I decided to study spanish, but couldn't, due to the lack of notecards. To circumvent this issue, I found a stack of post-it notes that my father received recently. On each side is written, in large letters A ROYAL FLUSH. On the the upper fourth of each sticky is written:

A ROYAL FLUSH Portable Restrooms 1-877-###-####. www.aroyalflush.com

Said website opens to an extremely classy picture of a portajohn on a beach. Needless to say, phrases such as mortificade fondo (embarrassed bottom) are feeling right at home.

Were you aware that the standard portable toilet weights 235 pounds?

That is 101 pounds more than yours truly! I definitely could not lift that.

Speaking of portapotties, I love Glee. The T.V. show, with the singing glee club members. I almost wish it were September just so I could watch it again.

Also, since I'm working on my portfolio, here is a short paragraph of my musings on race.

I'm underexposed to those of other races. It is difficult to view black people as unique individuals when I only talk to two or three of them, and many others would say that those kids "act white." It reminds of Mean Girls, when they introduce the lunch tables, and there are plenty of cliques for the different social groups of white kids, but the groups of racial minorities must form their own, like the "Asian nerds" "cool asians" "unfriendly black hotties," as opposed to the multitude of white groups. Unlike white people, whom I see as individuals, or, at the very least, specific labels, black people are in their own category, labeled only as "black."

Deep, huh?

AND, as if your day couldn't get any better, I leave you with a piece of fiction I wrote last year, for English class.

Enjoy!

They meandered their way down the old path, arms around each other. She tripped frequently, much preferring the view of him to that of the path. It was just so wonderful. She couldn’t think of a better word. She and Derek, finally alone. She snuck another look at his smiling eyes, and snagged her toe on a rock. He caught her just before a tumble became unavoidable.

“C’mon, Lynn. Let’s sit.”

They settled themselves with his back against the tree, and her back against him. She leaned into his warmth, pulling her knees up to her chest. He reached his arms around her to fiddle with her shoes. He talked idly, and she responded with half her mind. There was always talking. The small town they lived in used to have farms and a small factory, but the products of the factory had long ago gone out of style, and the farm produced less than the amount needed to sustain the town. People were living on their savings, constantly talking about what they had lost. Lynn and Derek, still young, mostly just farmed, and usually together. They were always talking, but this nearness, this closeness, was so wonderfully new. Lynn leaned into him, smiling again.

“If we don’t get going, I won’t have time to show it to you,” he said, pulling himself up from behind her. He walked about ten feet away. “You coming?”

“I’m working on it. Maybe I’d be a bit more motivated if you would tell me what you’re taking me to.”

“Nope. It’s a surprise.” He grinned.

She smiled back, and then stopped when a barrier suddenly appeared between them. The sky began to flicker light to dark so quickly that the wood seemed bathed in twilight. Derek’s arm reached out imperceptibly, and sparks shot across the barrier where he touched. Then he was gone.

“Derek!” Lynn shouted and leapt up. She was halfway to her feet when he appeared again, but before she could even process that he was back, the wood was once again empty. “No!” She tried to run forward but landed with her face on the earth. He had tied her shoelaces together when they sat against the tree. She lifted her head up, searching for him. The grass turned brown, wilted, and then grew again. When it reached its tallest point, Derek returned for another moment. The cycle repeated thrice more while Lynn lay on the ground.

Lynn lifted her head to look at Derek. With each flash there was some difference, some change, it was, it was- he was getting older. He had filled out a bit, and now his hairline was receding, each reappearance with less hair. His clothes, body, and facial hair all changed, but one characteristic stayed the same; his sad eyes gazed solemnly at Lynn during each instant he returned. But he was getting older. He already looked middle aged.

Lynn pulled herself up, but her tied together shoes kept her from reaching the barrier quickly. By the time she got there, Derek would be a withered old man. She hauled her body off the ground again and threw herself forward, towards the barrier. Her hand slipped through, but she didn’t notice.

Then, she felt a quick pressure on her palm. Confused, she looked up, and her eyes caught Derek’s as he held her hand. An instant later, the connection was gone. Another moment, and he returned. She tried to squeeze back, but by the time she could react to his presence, he was gone. She began to time a returning squeeze with the growth of the grass, matching them so that she clasped when he held her. She smiled up at him, pleased at her success and enjoying the small touches and the fleeting glimpses of him. He was growing into a beautiful old man.

A moment later he vanished, and this time, he did not return. He was young, then old, then- “No!” Lynn cried. Her eyes began to fill. She went to wipe her face with the hand behind the shield, but could not break away. She watched the hand through her tears. Its nails grew longer and longer, looping into a spiral. The veins became more prominent; the skin wrinkled. The joints tightened without her control, and she couldn’t open them. Soon she lost all sensation in it. The hand curled into a tight ball, then began to shrink further. It was eaten away, and Lynn pulled her arm back from the shield. Skin had grown over the edge, but she was now without a right hand. She pulled herself back from that horrible wall that had taken both her hand and her Derek.

She gazed down at her stump of a hand, then turned and watched the endless cycle of the trees. She stood there for hours, trying to comprehend the events that had just occurred. Finally, she took a deep, calming breath, and turned to walk back to town. When she was about halfway there, the strobe light sky ceased, and she was once more bathed in sunlight. By the time she reached the town, it was empty.

“Hello”, she called, her voice quaking, “Is anyone here?” The was no response. “Hello?”

The she heard someone call. “Rodney, I found another straggler.”

“Huh?” Another man, most likely Rodney, responded

“Never mind, I’ll bring her in myself,” he yelled back, then rounded a corner and came face to face with Lynn. “Hello!” He said brightly, “I’m just going to bring you in for a few tests, then you’ll be free to go.”

She looked at him blankly. “What happened?”

“It was a bit of a scientific test. Six hundred years ago, a group of scientists isolated your town in a time bubble. Basically, every second for you was a few years outside, or something like that. I was never much good with math.”

“Wha- why- How could you do that? Isn’t it illegal?”

“You weren’t producing anything, and you were taking in more benefits than you paid in taxes, so they figured there wouldn’t be any negative impact on the economy. And, well, the guy who instigated it is long dead, so he can’t exactly go to jail. All we’ve got to do is pay a few fines, which is well worth the new scientific knowledge. There were all sorts of different microbes six hundred years ago. And there’s been some change in genetics overall, and you didn’t have psychiatric drugs, so your mental processes are fascinating, and you are stock full of extinct microbes. Did you know, we’ve already found sixteen variants of Acute viral nasopharyngiti? It positively amazing.”

Lynn fought to comprehend the barrage of information. “You imprisoned my entire town just because we weren’t contributing to the economy?”

“It’s not like you were harmed, and it was only for a few hours, technically, and-“

Lynn cut him off. “Not harmed! My right hand eaten in front of me, my boyfriend is dead, and no one even asked me anything!”

“Well, um.” The man seemed unprepared to deal with anything except happiness. “ You’ll be monetarily compensated, I’m sure, and we can get a prosthetis no problem. And just think of your gift to humanity. The world has changed so much in six hundred years. You’ll be able to bring history to life. It’s amazing, it’s wonderful, it’s-”

“Horrible!” She cried, and sprinted away from him, past the boundaries of the town to the graveyard that lay a behind an old church. She let the adrenaline from her shock carry her through the gate in the old stonewall. The graveyard looked faded, broken down, but also larger than it had before. She ran past many sections, searching for the area that bore Derek’s family name. She found it at last near the back. There it was. It said his name, his birth and death dates, and then a short statement. “A man who lived many long years, but whose heart shall always belong with the love of his childhood.”

"Anything is possible if you only try hard enough"
"that's right. If I tried to grow six fingers, I could grow six fingers"
-Garrett

My arena time is 12:50, first day. Definitely favorable.
I saw Mario this morning, before first period. He was standing outside of one of the learning centers, short-friend-who-thinks-he's-gangsta in tow. As I walked post, he looked up.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"did you see the arena times are posted?"
"seriously? where?"
"downstairs."
"great. I have got to see those."
he said, and started down